Most of us actually began to talk around the age of two, and by the time we enter kindergarten provide a running commentary on everything we do. However, some of us never learn how to truly have great conversations with people and may spend a lifetime trying to be something that we're not or confronting new social situations with either fear or swagger. Mike Bechtle's short book, Confident Conversation, is a very genuine, non-gimmicky approach to working on better communicating with people (which is another way of learning to love people), chock full of practical advice and practiced wisdom. I do not make it a habit of reading "how to" books, as I often find them tedious and discouraging, another list of things I need to do or change, but I like this one because of its human-centered orientation and simple, common-sense wisdom.
The author first orients us by telling us that the key to good communication (and good relationships) is to develop conversational skills that fit our personality style, to become more of who we really are. In other words, introverts need not try and become extroverts, something they don't do well anyway. He says that if we recognize who we are, then we can nurture that and enjoy the uniqueness of others. He also moves us from a me-centered engagement (a focus on what we supply to the conversation) to an other-centered orientation where we become explorers. He helps us see both the positive and negative attitudes we can bring to a conversation, identifying filters of background and culture that may become barriers to good conversation. Though unstated, the author is making a biblical case for looking to the interests of others before our own (Phil. 2:4) and building a winsome case for all the "love one anothers" of Scripture.
In succeeding chapters, he spells out the practical implications of this new orientation. Don't know what to do when you walk into a room of people that you do not know? He tells us how to begin conversations in this and other sometimes challenging situations. He advises preparing for conversations, telling us to think ahead as to what the person may be interested in or may respond to. He suggests taking notes after conversations as a way to honor people, to remember their names, family members, interests, or concerns. In none of this is the tool offered as a means of gaining power in the social encounter but, rather, as a way of honoring the dignity of people, of remembering them.
He also gives advice on being a good listener, part of which, as painful as it can be, is to give up our conversational agenda. He tells us how to ask good questions and foster a genuine curiosity that will help generate questions. Reading this chapter, I was reminded of Jesus' questioning, probing manner with the Samaritan woman at the well, and how so often in conversations I alternate between a self-absorbed inner dialogue and chatter that doesn't allow room for exploring the other person's interests or questions. Both are borne of discomfort.
Finally, he deals with the special conversational situations of "hard" conversations, that is, the ones you'd like to avoid or extricate yourself from, telephone conversations, and email dialogues. A lot of what he says is common sense, and yet reading all these tips together is like a summary of folk wisdom. Some people do all this reasonably well, but many do not and yet how many of us have actually tried to develop our conversational skills as a way of growing more into the image of Christ? A final chapter is titled "A Mini Course for Communication and summarizes the book, really, in four principles: function uniquely, prepare thoroughly, explore expectantly, and focus outwardly. He encourages us to set goals and to patiently work at bettering our interactions with people conversationally.
I recommend Confident Conversation to introverts and extroverts alike, regardless of age, who would like to have better, more meaningful conversations. You're never too old to learn to talk. . . again.
